I think my fart just growled at me.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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