she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
