this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I came so hard my ears popped.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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