it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
