I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
