I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
