Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
