from now on my penis is your penis
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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