I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
