Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
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