but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
