You're earring is so big in my mouth
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
