I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
