Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
