my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
