I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
