listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
