It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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