I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I need a burrito and a hug.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize