The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
