the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
