We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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