How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
