we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
