You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
