life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I need water and some morals
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
