Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
