"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
