Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
