I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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