and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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