Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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