3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
