i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
