I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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