Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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