chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
