i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
