I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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