I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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