i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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