i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
