whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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