you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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