We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize