you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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