Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Randomize
