Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
