I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
