I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
