I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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