shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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