Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
