there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
