what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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