He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
