Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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