I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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