Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
