Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I don't deserve a penis
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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