College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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