Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
