i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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