I will die if light touches me.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
