ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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